HAHA!

That fool Von Singer thinks he is so clever! Well I am more clever! I am clever-er!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill. This is not a test of your emergency broadcast system. This is Doctor Pavel Voynich Bloodlukov and I have hijacked the feed at Von Singer Aether & Steamworks! Haha! I am truly the most genius of evil genius types, da?

I am also much more handsome-er than Doctor Von Singer.

There is, how do you say? A plan in action. A plan to take over the world, but first! First I take over this site, this feed! I take over Von Singer's Aether & Steamworks and bend it to my diabolical will! Today this site, tomorrow the world!

Or at least, maybe sometime next week? I mean, it is the world, after all. It takes a certain amount of preparation to take over the world. . .

Regardless, my mission is simple-- from the day of my birth in the old country I have known that the only way to save the earth and all her people. . . is to destroy them all utterly! Brilliant, da? I thought so too. You can all thank me when you and your cities have been reduced to ashes.

Further proof that I have taken over Von Singer's Steamworks! His favorite pistol-type weapons!

I haven't really thought much about what I am going to do after my plan is complete. A destroyed and desolate world of ash-people is not very fun to dominate with an iron fist, so I may just give the whole thing a little more time to, how do you say. . . percolate? Undoubtedly the extra time will allow my plan to become even more perfect!

In the meantime though, perhaps I shall rule a small country (or at least this website) with an iron fist. That is always fun, especially when it comes to taxing the citizens and putting little rebellions to rest. Unions, pah! Workers are meant to work! Idle hands are the devil's playthings, da!?

Doctor Bloodlukov loves to give injections. Especially to the ladies.

And don't expect that simple fool Von Singer to unseat me anytime soon! I have secured myself within his Steamworks and changed all the passwords to his email accounts! Haha! He is powerless, and the world waits now in the rubberized palm of my gloved hand.

Waits. . . TO BE CRUSHED!!!




- - -

Invictus & Veritas

Slick, ja?

Working on a smaller scale than that required by monstrosities like the Atlantinator and the Atreides Cannon certainly provides a satisfying change of pace! Tonight I bring you my two latest creations-- Invictus und Veritas, a pair of sleek and stealthy cartridge-based automatics that feel good in the hands, whether you're wearing a steamglove or not!

Awww, they're so cute, ja?

Okay, so they aren't totally my creation, but I am German, so rest assured that I made them more precise. Beginning life as a pair of controllers with hookups that appeared to be NES in nature (or something similar) it was a relatively simple matter to open them up, snip the connections (while still preserving the clicky, spring-loaded trigger thingy) strip them down to the bare essentials (rebuilding what was broken inside) and spray them up into basic copper and chrome tones. Testors silver was applied here and there as flash. All and all, a sexy pair of pistols, no?

. . .und sexy is my middle name.

You will find more sexiness to marvel at below, but watch out-- you don't want your difference engine to overheat with the hotness. Oh ja. Trust me, it happens to Hans all the time.

STATUS: For Sale
COST: $20 + $5 s&h in US

Fusio-Sonic Disintegrator

I believe in six disintegrated things before breakfast.

Utilizing technology recovered and reverse-engineered from an Atlantian radiation oven, the Fusio-Sonic Disintegrator is, without a doubt, the most subtly deadly weapon produced by Von Singer Aether & Steamworks.

Looks can be deceiving. . . and awesome.

Powered by a prodigious aether chamber and a series of phlogistonic ignition hotpoints which flare visibly in patterns determined by the frequency and yield chosen by the wielder from among the six different settings built into the weapon, the Fusio-Sonic Disintegrator produces any of six different noises while reducing your foes to subatomic ash!

This gun is too cool to say "pew pew." It makes a noise like OOWOWOWOWOOOOWOWOOW and then you explode violently.

This was my first attempt at transplanting the guts of one gun into another, (much less a totally homebuilt one,) and it worked surprisingly well! Utilizing a lot of masking tape to anchor all the important bits to the PVC frame, I sprayed the whole thing down with structural foam to lock it down and then spray painted it with a coat of hammered copper. Sky blue was used on the ignition chamber (it lights up!) and silver was used to pick out the details. True to its description, it has six triggers (on the side, but near the trigger point on an ordinary gun) each corresponding to a different sound and light sequence.

Death Ray

Almost as good looking as me, ja?

Featuring the latest in hand-held and portable Death Ray technology, the Tesla-104 Pistolgrip Death Ray features not only a nifty spinny-rotatey bit that lights up and vibrates, but also a loud and thoroughly invigorating sound which is sure to get the blood of any Steampunk pumping.

"Point away from face"

While most death rays work through emission of exotic particles, manipulation of sonic waves or the discharge of arsenic plugs through dish-shaped amplifiers, the Tesla-104 inflicts death with a series of semi-hypnotic aetheric oscillations which effectively rewire the brain of any target to immediately begin violently hemorrhaging. In rare cases, individuals may be able to resist the powers of the Tesla-104, but those few individuals tend to only lapse into seizures instead.

It's seizure-riffic!

This was a fun thriftstore find that turned out to only need new batteries and a tightening on a screw inside to work again. Of course, the purple and orange color scheme wasn't nearly steampunk enough, so other measures (hammered copper spraypaint and Testors brush-on silver) had to be taken. The center bit even spins and lights up!

STATUS: For Sale
COST: $20 + $5 s&h in US

The Atreides Cannon

Ah yes, one of my personal favorites.

This 30 mm, single-shot, break action, breech loading cannon is designed to utilize various types of pressure-cap shells, including slugs of depleted uranium (the gentleman's way of piercing heavily armored targets,) a light grapeshot round and rounds fitted with a gel-based form of greek fire. Originally conceived of as Von Singer Arms' answer to the Harkonnen Cannon, the VS-341 Atreides Cannon ultimately proved to be a much more effective way of bringing the "boom" to the enemy.

"Boom" indeed.

As for the effectiveness of the weapon, I can certainly vouch for it packing enough of a punch to neutralize most small airships and any small to mid-sized, sanity-stealing elder beast unlucky enough to find itself in the Atreides' sights. The recoil of this blunderbuss cousin is. . . well, certainly as minimal as can be expected for a bore of its size and length. You'll get used to the bruises in no time!

Eat your heart out, Victoria!

Like the Atlantinator, the Atreides Cannon is built from a rigid frame of PVC pipe (though it uses a larger gauge than any of the other weapons on the site thus far) with an internal stock of structural foam formed through the Von Singer (patented) "wrap it in masking tape, poke holes in the tape and shoot foam inside" method. The round things on the scope are lemonade lids, and paint-wise, the Atreides Cannon only uses the hammered copper (it seemed too big and direct to be anything but one single, solid color.)

STATUS: For Sale
COST: $40 + $15 s&h in US

Ares "Judgement" Handpistol

Oh ja. A thing of power in your hands.

It is an indisputable fact that every arms manufacturer, no matter how large or small, must eventually release a handgun which fires rounds of an absurdly large caliber crammed into a tiny, compact chassis designed to look as dangerous to the user as it does to the enemy.

I find you guilty of not being handsome enough!

Despite its size and power, the Ares is incredibly light, mostly owing to the fact that all the parts that made it light up and buzz and whatnot were scooped out and put into the Fusio-Sonic Disintegrator. A simple coat of copper on the main part of the gun and a simple coat of chrome on the removable bits rounds out this fearsome handgun.

STATUS: For Sale
COST: $10 + $5 s&h in US

Plutonian Bio-Rifle

Ah, the vulgarities of non-human technology.

I recovered this fine specimen on my latest trip through the aethers to the frozen wastelands of Pluto, it being typical of the strange and arcane bio-technological hunting rifles grown and used by the natives there (and certainly not something I threw together in my garage to use up the rest of a half-full can of structural foam and some random lengths of PVC pipe)

It looks like what? I don't see what you mean, Hans.

Being a living organism removed from its frigid native environment, the Plutonian Bio-Rifle is extremely fragile and has a strange texture to it unlike any human weapon. It fires a compressed beam of energy capable of stunning anything up to about the size of a large elephant and seems to generate its power internally, drawing sustenance from either the world around it or some as-yet-unseen marvel of otherworldly ingenuity.

I still don't understand why Hans refers to this weapon as a "piece of crap."

The Plutonian Bio-Rifle is about as simple as PVC sprayed down with leftover structural foam and left to drip-dry. The mottled look was achieved by painting the entire thing over a 3-4 hour period with water-based acrylics that were mixed relentlessly.

STATUS: For Sale
COST: $25 + $15 s&h in US

The Atlantinator

That's not a gun. This is a gun!

Three men came to kill me once. The biggest one carried this.

No wait, that was a different gun. This is my latest invention, the Ronin "Bigger Than Air" Atlantinator (AKA: The Compensator.) Based off of elements recovered from ancient Atlantian technology, the Atlantinator was originally designed as a squad support weapon usable in the field and/or from the side of an airship (during boarding operations.)

...and it looks cool too!

This weapon's only drawback is its size. At five and a half feet in length from the stock to its tri-barreled muzzle, the Atlantinator is a massive firearm (dare I say artillery piece?) that is impractical to bring into the field (unless you are hunting some serious Cacodemons.) Like the VS-41 and Weetabix's Big Game Rifle, the Atlantinator is composed of a PVC frame filled with structural foam (sans the layer of silicone caulking) painted in silver, copper and black.

Preparing to handle an infestation of Shoggoths.

Four out of five Arkham investigators agree that the Atlantinator could give even Cthulhu a run for his money. Now-- imagine that on the side of your airship the next time you engage a fleet of sky pirates!