Now What

Never was much one for long speeches and such.

So that pretty much sums up how bad ass I am. It's pretty clear that Doctor Bloodlukov doesn't have a prayer at this point. If I were him, I'd just give up now. I'd turn in my labcoat and go quietly into that good night.

Luckily, I'm not him. I'm Elias Castillo, Bountyhunter, Steam Engineer and professional Sky Pirate. (Terror of the skies, danger to myself, etc.)

Yep.

Now you'll excuse me. I have some coffee to drink.

Elias Castillo

Elias Castillo: Bountyhunter, Steam Engineer and professional Sky Pirate.

Let me tell you a little about me.

First of all, I'm bad ass. You may notice that I'm missing an eye. That's bad ass. It proves that I am bad ass. You want to know how I lost it? It was totally bad ass. It was so bad ass that I can't even tell you the story because to put it into words would lessen its inherent bad-assity. Let's just say it was uber omega ultra bad ass. Knife fight with a kung-fu monkey while hanging onto the underside of an aether-powered nuclear missile at the dawn of the apocalypse and yelling "ye-haw!" level of bad-assity. Oh yeah. I am state of the bad ass art.

Oh yeah.

I am so badass that I shave with a samurai sword. So badass that when I walk the streets, kings and queens step aside. So bad ass that every woman I meet stays satisfied. So bad ass that I've got a cobra snake for a neck tie. So bad ass that my new house on the road side is made out of rattlesnake hide. So bad ass that the chimney on top is made out of human skull.

I think it's time to ask yourself: "Who do you love?"

I'm tougher than nails and meaner than barbed wire. Heaven won't take me and Hell's afraid that I'll take over. When I'm bored, I play with sharp rusty objects and juggle spools of razor fencing.

Barbed wire knows I'm boss. All I have to do is look at it and it coils itself.

I'm so bad ass that Chuck Norris runs away in tears whenever he sees my face. So think on that a while, and ask yourself: does Doctor Bloodlukov have a prayer? I don't think so.

That's it for my intro. I'm out for now. Gotta keep moving. Gonna hunt me up a mad scientist.

Besides, we can't stop here. This is Bat Country!

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What's This!?

It is just over here. I call it the Bloodmassacre Extreme Ultra 'Sploder

Allow me to show you my latest invention, a creation of such evil power and destructive capability that it rivals, nay utterly outdoes any creation of Doctor Von Singer's! Ladies and gentlemen, I present. . .

. . . bzzt bzzt. . . This is Doctor Von Singer. Do not listen to the lies of Doctor Bloodlukov! He is a madman! None of his creations could ever outdo any of mine and he is by no means any handsomer. I am the most handsomest! (forgive my use of a double superlative, but in times of crisis we must make necessary sacrifices.). . .bzzt bzzt. . .

I am currently executing a plan which will unseat Doctor Bloodlukov and return my Steamworks to its rightful owner-- me. Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen, for I will be back within my Steamworks and inventing new wonders shortly! . . .bzzt. . .


Blast! Curse you Von Singer! You haven't a prayer! I'll crush you and your little dog. . . what? He hasn't got a little dog? Well curse you! I'll crush you and your little guns too, Von Singer! The Steamworks will remain mine for all time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I taunt you and taunt you a second time as well as a third and a fourth and more!


. . .bzzt. . . Your days are numbered, Bloodlukov. When Von Singer comes to wipe your smelly hide off the face of this derned earth, I'll be right there beside him. I'll be there, and it'll be the end of the likes of you. Nobody escapes once he's found himself in the sights of Elias Castillo, Bountyhunter, Steam Engineer and professional Sky Pirate.

So sit back, Bloodlukov, and enjoy the ride. I'm coming for you, and for the moment, this video feed is all mine. . . . bzzt. . .




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